Feeling like you're the second choice. Everyone has been through it at some point and so have I. I wanted to bring this up because I was thinking about middle school in general; and no matter how much people can sugarcoat it or make it seem amazing, it's just not.
Of course it sucks. I feel it all the time. I know that I have my amazing friends who are always there for me, but I don't feel like that with them. But I feel like that when I'm surrounded by people who I don't even care about, but my brain automatically goes into a stage where I want to partner up with them. No matter how hard I try to shut it out, I feel like I shut myself out instead. I shut myself out of what's going on around me instead of facing it. I'm not going to lie: I feel like I have been ripped apart by my own sadness, ripped apart because I used to feel that no one liked me. I used to care too much about what others thought of me instead of surrounding myself with positive things.
There was a time when I thought too much of the things around me and analysed everything too much. I would dwell on that little thought or action that made me sad for days and end up curling up in my bed and crying everyday. There was a time when I used to be negative all the time that it led me to being mute. Wouldn't talk for months even. Observing, I would try and convince myself that it was. People just assumed I was shy, but I wasn't. My 'friends' were nice, but never there for me. They would treat me like I was one of them until we had to partner up for something. They would go with each other. I used to feel isolated, alienated from others. I had to go with the last person left - the leftover. I pretended I didn't mind and always went back. They would ignore me unless they needed me and shut me out every time I tried to talk.
I found that this was actually indirect bullying and even though I don't talk about it - I know what it feels like. I know what it feels like to be the second choice, the ignored person, the least valued person in the class. I knew I had to change but I didn't know how. I was stuck in this routine and I couldn't pull myself out of it, but I had to try. I talked to them and I guess it's better now. I found new friends that mattered to me and cared about who I was. I didn't have to act normal - I could be myself. I surrounded myself with positive people who helped my scars fade. I slowly grew out of my mentality about caring what others think, and even though I'm still insecure about things, I know how to deal with it. I'm human - I couldn't be perfect, but I could be happy.
This was a hard post to write because I didn't want to talk about this time of my life, but I had to get it out.
What this taught me was to stop caring. Because the less you care, the happier you are going to be.
Of course it sucks. I feel it all the time. I know that I have my amazing friends who are always there for me, but I don't feel like that with them. But I feel like that when I'm surrounded by people who I don't even care about, but my brain automatically goes into a stage where I want to partner up with them. No matter how hard I try to shut it out, I feel like I shut myself out instead. I shut myself out of what's going on around me instead of facing it. I'm not going to lie: I feel like I have been ripped apart by my own sadness, ripped apart because I used to feel that no one liked me. I used to care too much about what others thought of me instead of surrounding myself with positive things.
There was a time when I thought too much of the things around me and analysed everything too much. I would dwell on that little thought or action that made me sad for days and end up curling up in my bed and crying everyday. There was a time when I used to be negative all the time that it led me to being mute. Wouldn't talk for months even. Observing, I would try and convince myself that it was. People just assumed I was shy, but I wasn't. My 'friends' were nice, but never there for me. They would treat me like I was one of them until we had to partner up for something. They would go with each other. I used to feel isolated, alienated from others. I had to go with the last person left - the leftover. I pretended I didn't mind and always went back. They would ignore me unless they needed me and shut me out every time I tried to talk.
I found that this was actually indirect bullying and even though I don't talk about it - I know what it feels like. I know what it feels like to be the second choice, the ignored person, the least valued person in the class. I knew I had to change but I didn't know how. I was stuck in this routine and I couldn't pull myself out of it, but I had to try. I talked to them and I guess it's better now. I found new friends that mattered to me and cared about who I was. I didn't have to act normal - I could be myself. I surrounded myself with positive people who helped my scars fade. I slowly grew out of my mentality about caring what others think, and even though I'm still insecure about things, I know how to deal with it. I'm human - I couldn't be perfect, but I could be happy.
This was a hard post to write because I didn't want to talk about this time of my life, but I had to get it out.
What this taught me was to stop caring. Because the less you care, the happier you are going to be.
Wow! What a powerful post. I think it was so brave of you to use this space to share your thoughts on the subject. I think much of what you have shared is common to middle school, but it doesn't make it better or easier to deal with. Check out the book Stargirl I mentioned in class today, it wrestles with some of these issues. So does Wonder.
ReplyDeleteYeah - Stargirl is on my stack and I've already read Wonder. Wonder was a really good book and I could really connect to it.
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